Magic Wars
by Lady Salmakia
Summary: The first part of what I hope will become an entire Star Wars parody using the Harry Potter characters. It's very funny! (Remember Hello-phone?) Read, or I set the attack jawas on you! And...phew! It's done! (Go on...finish reading!)
1. The Saga Begins...(Well, this saga does....

Harry Skywalker....Harry Potter  
Ron Solo...Ron Weasly  
Princess Hermione Organa...Hermione Granger  
Hagrid-macka...Rubeus Hagrid  
Darth Prongs...I'm not telling! It will spoil the...er...surprise...  
Renus-Wan Kenobi...Remus Lupin  
Uncle Vernon...duh!  
Aunt Petunia...double duh!  
Dudely the Hutt...Dudely Dursely  
R-Colin D-Colin...Colin Creevy  
Ginny-3PO...Ginny Weasly  
Govoner Malfoy...Lucious Malfoy  
Emporer You-know-who...Lord Vol...::shudders::...er...You-Know-Who  
Dumble-da...Albus Dumbldore  
  
Author's Note:Just a little, stupid parody I thought up (I actually got the idea from a Daria/Star Wars crossover, but whatever...) If anyone who is a real hard-core Star Wars fan notices that I messed everything around (yes...I skipped a lot of details...I'm lazy)...I'm sorry...and you can dispute about all the characters you want. Am I missing anything? If you don't see your favorite character, worry not! He/She/It will probably surface in Episodes V, VI or I.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or Harry Potter...don't sue me please. I wish that I was good at these things. Can I pay someone to write good disclaimer's for me?  
  
(Blue lettering appears on the screen)  
  
A relatively long time ago in a galaxy that's just a little on the loopy side...  
  
(fade to black, now yellow lettering appears)  
  
Magic Wars  
  
Episode IV  
A New Hope (if we can wrestle him away from those darn muggles...)  
  
(cut to shot of two ships, blasting at each other...one is quickly over taken...cut to inside of over-taken ship where Ginny-3PO and R-Colin D-Colin are being thrown around by various explosions)  
  
Ginny: Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactor! We're done for!  
  
(R-Colin beeps)  
  
Ginny: The Princess will never escape! What are we going to do?  
  
(Cut to shot of battle between the Rebels and the Imperials. The Rebel's are quickly killed off. Enter Darth Prongs...everyone backs away scared. He picks up one of the Rebel officers by the neck.)  
  
Darth: Where are the plans you intercepted?  
  
Rebel: We intercepted no plans...we're on a diplomatic mission.  
  
Darth: If this is a diplomatic ship, then where is the ambassador?  
  
(Darth Prongs squeezes harder and the Rebel falls limp. He is thrown against the wall.)  
  
Darth: I want those plans...scour the ship...and bring any prisoners to me...ALIVE!   
  
(Cut to shot of a back hall way. Princess Hermione Organa inserts a DVD into the DVD player installed in R-Colin. Enter Ginny-3PO)  
  
Ginny: What do you think you're doing?  
  
(R-Colin beeps and heads for the escape pods)  
  
Ginny: You're not supposed to go in there! We're 'droids. They'll just melt us down and make scrap metal of us! Where's Percy when I need him?   
  
(R-Colin whistles and beeps angrily...if that's possible)  
  
Ginny: You're not on any mission! And don't call me that! Where were you raised...a barn? I'm not getting in there. We'll get detention. (another explosion rocks the ship) Fine...I'm coming but if we crash, I'm taking your camera away!  
  
(Cut to a shot of another back hallway. Princess Hermione is huddled against a wall. Imperial troops find her. She fires and kills two before she is stunned and taken away. Cut to shot of a crash-landing on The Suburban England Desert)  
  
Ginny: Ok R-Colin...give me that camera! If you hadn't been taking pictures we wouldn't have landed so badly!)  
  
(R-Colin beeps furiously. How a 'droid with no arms can operate a camera is beyond me...this is fanfiction...give me a break!)  
  
Ginny: Fine...go that way! And keep the stupid camera. I'm going to find a settlement and you're not!  
  
(both 'droids storm off angrily in different directions. Cut to shot of Ginny-3PO being captured by small, gibbering things that look suspiciously like Cornish Pixies. Cut to shot of R-Colin being captured too...Cut again {am I getting cut-happy?} to shot of Number 4 Privet Drive. Pixie vehicle is parked outside with a few 'droids sitting in front)  
  
Uncle Vernon: C'mon Harry. I haven't got all day!  
  
Harry: I'm coming! Aunt Petunia wants a protocol 'droid.  
  
Uncle Vernon: We'll see what we can do. (He converses with the Pixies and purchases Ginny-3PO and R-Colin) Harry! Take these two to your cupboard and clean them up.  
  
Harry: Yes, sir.   
  
(Cut to shot of the battle ship. Princess Hermione is being brought to Darth Prongs.)  
  
Hermione: The Senate won't stand for this, Darth Prongs! This is a diplomatic mission!  
  
Darth: Don't kid yourself, Princess. You weren't on any mercy mission this time...Where are those plans?  
  
Hermione: I don't know what you're talking about. (as she hides a DVD case for "The Princess Bride" The title is crossed out and it reads "Top Secret Plans")  
  
Darth: What have you got there?  
  
Hermione: Nothing...  
  
(Enter an officer)  
  
Officer: Sir, an escape pod has been jettisoned...there were no life forms aboard.  
  
Darth: She must have hidden the plans in the escape pod...send a detachment down to either retrieve or destroy them...as for you, Princess...you'll be coming with me (evil laughter) Muhahahahahahah...(lapse into fit of coughing)  
  
(Cut to shot of Harry's cupboard. It looks suspiciously like a work-shop)  
  
Harry: Make yourselves at home.  
  
Ginny: (blushes suddenly...don't ask...) Um...ok...Sir. I'm Ginny-3PO, human-cyborgs relations, and my companion here is R-Colin D-Colin, Sir.  
  
Harry: Harry, just call me Harry.  
  
Ginny: All right, Sir Harry.  
  
Harry: (laughs) just Harry. Why don't you hop in the funny smelling stuff and get cleaned up. And you, (points to R-Colin) come over here and you can get some power.  
  
Ginny: A lubricant bath! Wonderful! I can finally get the sand out from behind my ears. Mother always used to keep us so clean!  
  
(The 'droids do as they're told. As he cleans him, Harry stumbles across the DVD player in R-Colin)  
  
Harry: What's this?  
  
(R-Colin beeps)  
  
Ginny: He says it's nothing.  
  
(Harry fiddles around with the controls of the DVD player and a hologram shows up of Princess Hermione)  
  
Hermione: Help me Remus-Won Kenobi. You're my only hope. Help me Remus-Won Kenobi. You're my only hope...  
  
Harry: Who's that? She's sorta buck-toothed and ugly. Wait...is she a girl? Cool. I haven't seen a girl in ages, besides Aunt Petunia I mean.  
  
(R-Colin beeps again)  
  
Ginny: R-Colin says that it's a malfunction...old data that should have been deleted.  
  
Harry: Well...if I look at her sideways she's kind of pretty, and she is a girl. It sounds like she's in trouble. R-Colin, can you play the entire message?  
  
(R-Colin beeps angrily)  
  
Ginny: He say's that he can't...excuse me...won't. Wait, R-Colin...what are you talking about? I'm afraid he's gone a little mad. He says that he's property of Remus-Wan Kenobi, a resident of these parts and that it's a private message for him.  
  
Harry: I wonder if he means old Mr. Lupin...  
  
Ginny: Excuse me, Sir Harry...but do you know of such a person?  
  
Harry: I don't know anyone named Remus-Wan, but old Mr. Remus Lupin lives on the other side of the street. Doesn't come out much. People say his house in haunted. Uncle Vernon doesn't like me to talk to him.  
  
Aunt Petunia: (from off screne) Harry! Hurry up and eat your dinner before I throw it away!  
  
Harry: I'd better go eat...see what you can do about him.  
  
(Harry exits. Ginny-3PO gets a dreamy look in her photoreceptors...I still don't know...play along with me)  
  
Ginny: Isn't he great, R-Colin?  
  
(R-Colin beeps)  
  
Ginny: Of course you wouldn't like him if he didn't like you! You're not obeying orders. He's our master now. I don't think he likes you at all.  
  
(R-Colin beeps pitifully)  
  
Ginny: I don't like you either! You'd better stop following me around!  
  
(Cut to shot of the dining room. Uncle Vernon is stuffing his face. Aunt Petunia is shoveling something onto a plate for Harry)  
  
Aunt Petunia: Here, eat this...and shut up!  
  
Harry: Um...I was wondering...can't I go to the Academy this year?  
Uncle Vernon: (turns purple) NO! You can't become one of them! NEVER! Besides...no one else can do the chores around here.  
  
Harry: (under his breath) You could...  
  
Uncle Vernon: What did you say?  
  
Harry: Nothing...I'm not hungry...(leaves)  
  
Aunt Petunia: We're going to have to get rid of him sometime, or he'll escape.  
  
Uncle Vernon: That's what I'm afraid of.  
  
(Cut to shot of Harry's workshop. R-Colin is beeping furiously)  
  
Harry: What's he saying?  
  
Ginny: He says that he wants to leave and deliver this message to Remus-Won Kenobi.  
  
Harry: Fine with me...it'll be my revenge on the Durselys...but we'll have to leave in the morning. The Pixies and other nasty things will get us.  
  
(Cut to a shot of some storm-troopers. They are inspecting the wrecked escape-pod.)  
  
Storm-Trooper: Look, Sir. 'Droids!  
  
(Several other storm troopers take off their helmets. They are all girls and reveal themselves as Salmakia's friends)  
  
Trekkie: Trekkies! Come to the Trekkie side of the FORCE! We have conventions!  
  
DV: Wassssssssssssssssssssssssssssup? Ooohooohooohooohooohooo!!!  
  
Ezzy: Salmakia, why do you write me into these stupid things? And why am I hanging out with these two?  
  
(DV jumps Ezzy)  
  
DV: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Bonsaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!  
  
Trekkie: You all are violent....  
  
(Cut to a shot of broad daylight. Harry's landspeeder is racing along the streets of The Suburban England Desert)  
  
Ginny: How far is this place?  
  
Harry: Um...dunno...why don't you read the map?  
  
(the landspeeder's engine sputters and dies)  
  
Harry: Great...R-Colin...go see what you can do. Ginny-3PO...let's look on the map for a gas-station.  
  
(A couple of trolls pop out of the sand and start hitting the ground with their clubs)  
  
Harry: What the...? Trolls! Ginny-3PO, take R-Colin over that ridge...I'll try to hold them off!  
  
(Harry tries to shoot the Trolls with an ancient looking gun. One troll hits the gun and it shatters. Harry faints.)  
  
(Cut to shot of the Digidestined in the next soundstage. A sign labeled "Growing up-The review-less story" is hanging on the door.)  
  
Director who looks suspiciously like Salmakia: What?...ok, idiots...wrong soundstage...  
  
(Tai holds up a sign that says "Hi Mom!". Sora hits him with it. Joe smiles sheepishly as Mimi drags him off screen with a devilish glint in her eye, shoving the "twins", which look a lot like flower sacks, at Kari.)  
  
Joe: What about the kids?  
  
Mimi: Don't worry about the kids!  
  
Cameraman who looks suspiciously like Ryan Philippe: Ok..we're going...and um...can I have your autograph Miss Drop-dead-gorgeous-director-lady-ma'am?  
  
Director: Sure, you handsome thing...  
  
(Cut back to Magic Wars set. Remus-Wan Kenobi uses a levitation charm to hit the trolls with their own clubs, and they pass out. He walks over to Harry, who is still unconscious. R-Colin beeps)  
  
Remus: Hello there, my little friend. It's ok...he's not hurt...I don't think.  
  
(R-Colin beeps and rolls over to them)  
  
Harry: (coming to) Wha...what happened? Mr. Lupin? Oh man, am I glad to see you! (tries to sit up)  
Remus: Rest easy, son. The Deserts of Suburban England are not to be traveled lightly. What brings you out here with these trolls?  
  
Harry: This little 'droid. He claims to be property of someone named Remus-Wan Kenobi...I thought he might be a relative of yours.  
  
Remus: Remus-Wan...now there's a name I haven't heard in a while.  
  
Harry: You know him?  
  
Remus: Of course I know him...he's me! I was once a Wizard Knight, same as your father.  
  
Harry: You knew my father?  
  
Remus: I did...he was a great piolt...and a good friend. We'd best be getting indoors...the Trolls will only stay knocked out for so long.  
  
Harry: Ok...but we need to find Ginny-3PO. Where is she?  
  
(R-Colin beeps sadly)  
  
Harry: I'm going to do look over the ridge.  
  
(Sure enough...Ginny-3PO has fallen over the ridge...her photoreceptors are dark and her arm is lying useless at her side.)  
  
Harry: Ginny-3PO! (runs down the ridge to retrive her...he throws a few switches and her photoreceptors light up)  
  
Ginny: Master Harry!   
  
Harry: Ginny-3PO, we've gotta get out of here. Do you think you can stand?  
  
Ginny: No...you'll have to go on without me!  
  
Harry: I won't. Come on...you've got to stand...  
  
(Cut to shot of the inside of the Remus-Won Kenobi's house)  
  
Harry: (tweaking with a switch in Ginny-3PO's back) Almost finished...there!  
  
Ginny: Thank you, Sir.  
  
Remus: Come here, young Harry. I have something to give you.  
  
Harry: What's up with all your belittling expressions? Little frien, young Harry, son....A Present? For me? Oh wow! The Dursley's never give me anything! What is it?  
  
Remus: Your father's wandsaber...(Remus hands Harry the handgrip of a lightsaber, Harry turns it on) The weapon of a Wizard Knight. An elegant weapon, requires more skill than a blaster. It is for those who are...a cut above.  
  
Harry: How did my father die?  
  
Remus: A young wizard...by the name of Darth Prongs. He betrayed and murdered your father. He was a pupil of mine before he turned to evil...  
  
Harry: (downcast) oh...Mr. Lupin...Let's see what that message was that R-Colin had. I think it might be important, and it's from a GIRL! R-Colin, come over here.  
  
(R-Colin beeps once and rolls over to Harry and Remus. The DVD players casts a hologram of Princess Hermione.)  
  
Hermione: Remus-Wan Kenobi. Years ago you fought with my father in the Muggle Wars. He now is in need of your aid again. I wished to ask for your help in person, but my ship was attacked by the Empire. Please come to Alderan. I have hidden the plans to the Empire's space station in this R-Colin unit. My father will know how to retrieve them. Help me, Remus-Won Kenobi. You're my only hope.  
  
(The hologram fades)  
  
Harry: Yeah...I was right. She IS ugly, but she's still a Princess. Can I come to Alderan with you?  
  
Remus: I didn't even ask you to come yet! The script says you're supposed to not want to go. You have an obligation to your uncle.  
  
Harry: He doesn't need me! If he did ANY work the place would still run. They treat me like dirt! I sleep in a cupboard! I'm coming with you!  
  
Remus: These young actors...Very well...To Mos London!  
  
(Cut to a shot of the Suburban England Desert. Remus, Harry and the two 'droids are cruising along in Harry's landspeeder...does anyone know where I can get one of those?)  
  
Remus: Look, Harry! Smoke...let's go that way!  
  
Harry: I don't see anything but ok.  
  
(Cut to shot of the smoldering Pixie vehicle. Dead Pixies and 'droid parts are everywhere)  
  
Harry: Must have been trolls. They're the only ones stupid enough to want to attack Pixies. They don't scavenge anything worth stealing.  
  
Remus: Look closer, my young friend. These blast points are too accurate for Trolls. Come to think of it, Trolls don't have blasters. And these tracks are far too small. I'm guessing it was the Empire.  
  
Harry: What would the Empire want with Pixies?  
  
(Remus motions to the 'droids)  
  
Harry: Do you think they traced them back to Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia?  
  
Remus: Have you even READ the script?  
  
Harry: All right! They're dead! (does a victory dance) Who bumped my Uncle off? Whoo Whoo Whoo!   
  
Remus: No period of mourning?  
  
Harry: Hell no!  
  
Remus: You don't even want to go back to Number 4, fall on the ground and have a dramatic crying scene?  
  
Harry: No way!  
  
Remus: (shrugs) Fine then.  
  
(Cut to shot of Mos London. It looks like regular London except it's in the Desert, and there's a bunch of high-tech space junk floating around.)  
  
Remus: Mos London. Never shall you find a more wretched hole of scum and villainy.  
  
(Insert completely pointless montage sequence of 'droids, cars, creatures, people in funky costumes, various role-players and fanfiction authors waving at the camera. Harry's landspeeder pulls up to a blockade made by Imperials)  
  
Storm Trooper: How long have you have these two 'droids?  
  
Harry: (lying) A couple seasons, I guess.  
  
Remus: They're up for sale if you want them. The price is right.  
  
Storm Trooper: Can I see your identification?  
  
(Remus whips out his wandsaber and casts a Confunderous charm)  
  
Remus: You don't need to see his identification.  
  
Storm Trooper: We don't need to see his identification.  
  
Remus: These aren't the 'droids we're looking for.  
  
Storm Trooper: These aren't the 'droids we're looking for.  
  
Remus: Move along.  
  
Storm Trooper: Move along, move along.  
  
(Cut to a shot of a shabby looking building labeled "The Leaky Cauldron Cantina")  
  
Harry: We're going to find a pilot who can take us to Alderan here?  
  
Remus: Of course! Many good pilots hang around here, but watch your step. This place can be a little rough.  
  
(Cut to shot of inside "The Leaky Cauldron Cantina"...for sound effects go to www.cowdance.com doodoodoodoodo...Various aliens are hanging around)  
  
Bar Tender: Hey! We don't serve their kind here!  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Bar Tender: You're 'droids! They'll have to wait outside.  
  
Harry: Why don't you two go and wait by the speeder. We don't want any trouble.  
  
Ginny: That's fine, Master Harry. Come along, R-Colin  
  
(Remus has disappeared into the crowd. Harry sits down at the bar and orders a butterbeer. Pansy Parkinson taps him on the shoulder.)  
  
Pansy: I don't like you! (She flashes a fashionable "Potter REALLY stinks" badge.)  
  
Harry: Er...I'm sorry about that.  
  
(Millicent Bullstrode walks up behind Pansy and grunts something)  
  
Pansy: She doesn't like you either! (pulls out a blaster)  
  
Remus: This little one isn't worth the trouble.  
  
Harry: I'm not that little!  
  
Remus: (to Pansy) Come, let me buy you something.  
  
(Millicent pulls out a blaster and tries to shoot Remus. He eliminates both Slytherins quickly with his wandsaber but in the struggle, Harry is throw backwards into a table.)  
  
Harry: I'm all right. Thanks for asking.  
  
Remus: (ignoring Harry's comment) Come. This is Hagrid-Macka. He's the first mate on a ship that might suit our needs.  
  
(Cut to shot of Ron Solo sitting in a booth drinking a butterbeer and building a card-house out of a pack of Exploding Snap. Hagrid-Macka leads Harry and Remus to him.)  
  
Ron: Ron Solo, captain of the Millennium Anglia. Haggie tells me that you need my ship.  
  
Remus: That's correct. If it's a fast ship.  
  
Ron: What? You've never heard of the Anglia?   
  
Remus: Should I have?  
  
Ron: It's the ship that flew into the Womping Willow at Hogwarts! It was loose in the Forbidden Forest for like three years, with all the nasty, gigantic spiders running around. It's fast enough for you, old man. What's the cargo?  
  
Remus: No cargo, just passengers. Myself, the boy, two 'droids, and no questions asked.  
  
Ron: No questions? Some kind of local trouble?  
  
Remus: Let's just say we'd like to avoid any imperial entanglements.  
  
Ron: Now's that a real trick. We'd better leave ASAP. Docking bay 94, half an hour. Oh, and what are you going to pay me?  
  
Remus: 2,000 up front and the rest when we reach Alderan.  
  
Ron: So that's where we're going. How much is "the rest"?  
  
Remus: Depends on how much we can get.  
  
Ron: Got yourselves a deal. I need any money I can get. Mum wants to send Percy to some resort planet, and I need some new shoes.  
  
Remus: Half an hour then?  
  
Ron: Right.  
  
(Remus and Harry leave, just as a bounty hunter who is played by one of Dudley the Hutt's friends)  
  
Bounty Hunter: (in some odd language that requires subtitles) So, Solo. I've found you. Dudley isn't pleased.  
  
Ron: Relax. I've got your money.  
  
Bounty Hunter: Give it to me. I might not kill you.  
  
Ron: I don't have it with me. Listen...I've got a charter to Alderan. I can pay Dudley back, plus a little extra.  
  
Bounty Hunter: Dudley doesn't want to wait. He would rather have your ship.  
  
Ron: Over my dead body.  
  
Bounty Hunter: That's the idea.  
  
(Ron shoots the bounty hunter dead and leaves the "Leaky Cauldron Cantina" He shows up again at Docking Bay 94 as Dudley the Hutt and several of his friends enter)  
  
Dudley: (in Hutteese) Captain Solo! Where is my money?  
Ron: I've got it. I'll pay you back after I take this kid and an old man to Alderan. They're gonna pay me a bundle.  
  
Dudley: All right, Solo. But I NEED that money soon. If you don't get it to me, I'll just have to kill you.  
  
Ron: Fair enough.  
  
(Dudley exits as Harry and Remus enter)  
  
Harry: We're going up in space in THAT? It's a flying piece of crap, if it flies at all!  
  
Ron: She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts kid.  
  
Harry: You know, you're my age. Why are you calling me kid?  
  
Ron: (to Remus) He hasn't read the script?  
  
Remus: Couldn't make him.   
  
Ron: What is this world coming to? Oh well, all aboard! We'd better get out of here if we want to be in Alderan before dark.  
  
(Cut to inside the Death Star. Princess Hermione is cowering in her Cell while Darth Prongs and Governor Malfoy stand there and look scary.)  
  
Hermione: I won't talk! You can't make me!  
  
Darth: We have ways of making you talk.  
  
Hermione: No you don't!  
  
Darth: Bring in the...HOUSE ELVES!  
  
Hermione: House elves? No! Don't they get sick leave and pensions? What about payment! They're wearing tea-towels! Someone get them proper clothes!  
  
Darth: And we won't let you do any homework.  
  
Hermione: But I'll be so behind when I get back to school! You're a bad man Darth Prongs!  
  



	2. The Next Installment!

a/n: Here it is! What you've all been waiting for, the second part! ^.^;; Anyway...by popular demand, this is the next installment in the cross-over. (I'll finish it, I promise. I won't make you wait as long either!) So...enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: Must I do another one of these? I don't own Harry Potter...or Star Wars...or the tribbles or anything else I reference...I'm just a geek with too much time on her hands...  
  
(Next shot is of the Millennium Anglia taking off and its crew and passengers inside the cockpit.)  
  
Ron: We should be in Alderan in a couple of hours, once we outrun these Empire gits. Not hard really, but hold on.  
  
Harry: Can I fly?  
Ron: This isn't a landspeeder, kid! Besides, you might wreck my dad's car!  
  
Harry: First of all, stop calling me kid. Second, you run a business out of your dad's car?  
  
Ron: Until I can save up for my own. Dad doesn't mind so much, Fred and George are just jealous because I got it instead of them.  
  
Harry: Fred and George?  
  
Ron: My brothers. You two go and strap in, we're going to make the jump to hyperspace.  
  
(Shot of the hold with Harry and Remus fastening their seat-belts comfortably, Hagrid-macka serves drinks and hot towels.)  
  
Remus: This guy must really be desperate for money.  
  
Hagrid-macka: Ah wanna tip.  
  
Harry: You can talk?  
  
Hagrid-macka: Sure...what di' yeh think Ah was, a wookie?  
  
Harry: Well...yeah.  
  
Hagrid-macka: Ah'm not. It's the suit.  
  
Harry: You learn something new everyday.  
  
Remus: Harry, come here. I want you try something.  
  
(Remus and Harry set up to practice dueling while Hagrid-macka and R-Colin play chess.)  
  
Ginny: No sense whining about it! He made a fair move.  
  
(Ron enters)  
  
Ron: Let him have it. Haggie's a big guy. I wouldn't upset him.  
  
Ginny: But, Sir! No one worries about upsetting a 'droid! (She looks longingly at Harry)  
  
Ron: 'Droids don't pull people's arms off when they lose.  
  
Ginny: R-Colin, I suggest a new strategy. Let Haggie win.  
  
Ron: (Calling out) We're past those Imperial nutters, and we'll be in Alderan in a little while (...) Don't everybody thank me at once. What are you two doing?  
  
Remus: It's Wing-GAR-dium Leviosa. The GAR is nice and long.  
  
Harry: I'll never get this one! It'll end up like the summoning charm!  
  
Ron: Magic?  
  
Remus: Harry is going to be the last Wizard Knight.  
  
Harry: Give away the WHOLE ending why don't you?  
  
Remus: Unlike you, everyone else has read the script.  
  
Harry: Er...  
  
Remus: Let's get to work on a Patronous. Ron, do you have any chocolate?  
  
Ron: Probably not. I had some, but I think Bill and Charlie ate it all.  
  
Remus: Then we're in for a long trip...  
  
(Shot of the Death-Eater Star, the Millennium Anglia is approaching.)  
  
Ron: Look at the size of that thing!  
  
(Seamus Antilles walks on, and smacks Ron upside the head)  
  
Seamus: That was going to be MY line, you prat!  
  
Ron: Um...sorry Seamus.  
  
(Seamus shrugs and walks off)  
  
Ron: In fanfiction...anything can happen. Aw, crap! We're caught in a tractor beam.  
  
(Trekkie appears out of nowhere wearing her Vulcan ears and carrying a toy Phaser.)  
  
Trekkie: Beam 'em up, Scottie!  
  
Ron: Why are YOU here?  
  
Trekkie: I'm Salmakia's friend, and I've brought you a bunch of Tribbles.  
  
(Trekkie dumps a load of chirping fuzz-balls in the cockpit and leaves.)  
  
Ron: I don't like these things at all! They don't have any practical use.  
  
Hagrid: Ah don' know. They'rw sof', sweet and make ah pleasant sound.  
  
Ron: So would an ermine violin, but I don't want one of those!  
  
(a/n: Or something like that. I don't remember the exact wording. Yes...that is the ONLY Star Trek episode I ever watched. Damn Trekkie...No! Don't kill me! It was only one. I wanted to see the Tribbles!)  
  
(Hagrid-macka stuffs his pockets full of Tribbles while Ron tries to fight the tractor beam.)  
  
Ron: No use...I'm going to have to shut down, but we'll fight 'em.  
  
Remus: With what, exactly? There are alternatives to fighting.  
  
Ron: Yeah...well...ok....what are we going to do?  
  
(Shot of Death-Eater Star interior. The Millennium Anglia is docked inside and being inspected by storm troopers. As they exit, our heroes pop up from under loose floor panels.)  
  
Ron: Good thing Dad never got those fixed.  
Harry: Nothing exciting about them? Don't you smuggle spice under those or something?  
  
Ron: Smuggling? With my luck, I'd get caught by the Empire before I left the planet. Besides, Mum would kill me.  
  
Harry: I hope you have better luck while we're here.   
  
Ron: Of course we'll have good luck, you're the protagonist! You really ought to read the script.  
  
Harry: What's with you people the scripts?  
  
Remus: Boys, stop fighting. Let's get out of here. We need to steal some storm trooper uniforms, and then we can split up and start the main plot.  
  
(Switch to whole party inside a control room. Harry and Ron are wearing storm trooper uniforms and Remus is getting ready to go.)  
  
Harry: I want to come and help you shut down the tractor beam!  
  
Remus: No, it'll be easier with just me. I'm going to have an epic battle, and you have something else to do.  
  
Harry: Like what?  
Remus: You'll find out about three minutes after I leave.  
  
Harry: But...  
  
Remus: The Force will be with you...always.  
  
(Remus exits.)  
  
Harry: I don't want to wait three minutes!  
  
Ron: Just relax. We're going places, kid!  
  
Harry: Stop calling me kid!  
  
(R-Colin, who has been plugged into a computer terminal, beeps like crazy)  
  
Ginny: R-Colin, shush!  
  
Harry: What's he beeping about?  
  
Ginny: I don't know, Sir Harry. He says that he's found her and he keeps repeating "She's here! She's here!"  
  
Harry: Who?  
  
Ginny: Princess Hermione.  
  
Harry: The Princess? All right! Now that's something important to do! We're going to rescue a princess, Ron!   
  
Ron: I'd be excited, but unlike some people, I've read the script.  
  
Harry: I like finding out along the way. It's more exciting.  
  
Ron: Just make sure you know what's going on before you duel in the second one. Let's go rescue this princess. How much do you think she's worth?  
  
Harry: Probably a planet's ransom. Maybe you can get a new car.  
  
Ron: I'm game. We'll just pretend we're taking Haggie up to the detention level.  
  
Harry: Or we could use this. (Pulls an invisibility cloak out of his sleeve.)  
  
Ron: That works.  
  
(Short montage sequence of Harry, Ron and Hagrid-macka sneaking around the Death-Eater Star, narrowly avoiding patrols who all look like Argus Filch and Mrs. Norris. They reach the detention level undetected. There, they shoot the guards.)  
  
Ron: That was easy. We didn't even have to create a diversion or anything.  
  
Harry: Yeah, ok. The Princess is in cell-block 24601. (Salmakia's friends glare at her. Trekkie: You use that number too much! Whole cast of Party Animal Farm: Waaaay too much! Salmakia: Sorry...) I'll go get her. You make sure no one comes up here.  
  
Ron: Ok.  
  
(Shot of Harry opening Princess Hermione's cell.)  
  
Hermione: Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?  
  
Harry: What, oh, the uniform. I'm Harry Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you. I've got your 'droids, and Remus-won Kenobi is here.  
  
Hermione: Ok. Let's go.  
  
(Back at the front, Ron is holding off an influx of storm troopers.)  
  
Harry: What's going on?  
  
Ron: Haggie leaned on the call button. It's not my fault!  
  
Hermione: Into the garbage chute?  
  
Ron: After you, you're highness.  
  
Harry: Are you sure that's the only way?  
  
Hermione: He hasn't read the script?  
  
Ron: Can't make him. Stupid kid.  
  
Harry: I'm not stupid. I'm not a kid, and will you guys lay off the script thing?  
  
Hermione: Just asking. (She grabs Harry's blaster and shoots open the garbage chute.) Into the garbage chute, flyboy. (She jumps in.)  
  
Harry: I'm always up for a plot twist. (He jumps in after her.)  
  
Ron: (to Hagrid-macka) Get in there you big furry oaf! I don't care what you smell! (He shoves in Hagrid-macka, and then jumps in himself)  
  
(Ron lands in the dimly-lit garbage collection room. The others are standing knee-deep in dirty water and Styrofoam.)  
  
Ron: (sniffs the air) This place is rank.  
  
Harry: Don't know how they did it. Look at this stuff. (picks up a piece of Styrofoam) They're cheap. It's not even real garbage.  
  
Ron: Be glad. You're going to get sucked under that in a minute.  
  
Harry: I am? I don't want...(Harry is pulled under the "garbage" by a tentacle.)  
  
Ron: In 5...4...3...2...1...(Harry pops up again, gasping for breath.) Right on time, kid.  
Harry: Shoot this thing! It's got a hold around my neck.  
  
(Ron shoots the monster and Hermione helps Harry up.)  
  
Harry: Thanks. At least it can't get any worse.  
  
Ron: Wait! Don't say that!  
  
Harry: It can't get any worse?  
  
Ron: We're in for it.  
  
(The walls start closing in.)  
  
Ron: I told you so.   
  
Hermione: At this point, you shouldn't care. Let's brace the walls with something.  
  
(Ron, Hermione and Harry use "steel" beams to brace the encroaching walls while Hagrid-macka tries to hold them open with his arms.)  
  
Harry: I know! I've got a com-link! I'll call Ginny-3P0!  
  
Ron: Now he thinks of it...  
  
Harry: Ginny-3P0, Ginny-3P0! Come in Ginny-3P0!  
  
(Shot of com-link sitting on a desk. Ginny-3P0 is in tears)  
  
Ginny: He doesn't like me R-Colin! Not at all! I'm not answering him. I don't care if he's dying!  
  
(Harry's voice comes through the com-link.)  
  
Harry: Ginny-3P0! Ginny-3P0! Come in please, Ginny-3P0! I'm dying!  
  
Ginny: I didn't mean it Sir Harry! (She picks up the com-link.) Sir Harry?  
  
Harry: Ginny-3P0, turn off all garbage smashers on the detention level!  
  
Ginny: Right away, sir! R-Colin?  
(R-Colin beeps and shuts off the garbage smasher.)  
  
Harry: You did it! We're alive.  
  
Ginny: I'm so glad!  
  
(Shot of Harry, Ron, Hermione and Hagrid-macka in the narrow garbage room.)  
  
Hermione: That 'droid of yours really came through.  
  
Harry: She's a good 'droid. Let's get out of here.  
  
(They reappear on the other side of the hallway, all dry and clean.)  
  
Ron: The magic of the movies! Let's get back to the ship.  
  
Harry: Wait, what about Remus?  
  
Ron: The old guy? I wouldn't worry about him. C'mon Haggie.  
  
Hermione: Will someone get this big, walking carpet out of my way?  
  
Ron: He's behind you.  
  
Hermione: I know. I just wanted to say it. You guys get say all your good lines. I want mine.  
  
Ron: Fair enough. Let's go.  
  
(Shot of Remus, inching along a beam and turning off the tractor beam. He then walks past the guards.)  
  
Remus: (to the audience) Did you want me to bite them? They're storm troopers!  
  
(The storm troopers look at him and shrug.)  
  
Remus: See?  
  
(Shot of Harry, Ron, Hermione and Hagrid-macka above the Millennium Anglia.)  
  
Hermione: You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.  
  
Ron: You know that's one of the lines in here that can be taken...er...the wrong way.  
Hermione: (thinks for a second) You sicko! yuckyuckycuk! ewwww!  
  
Harry: You upset the Princess, Ron!  
  
Ron: She's the one who insists on using all the original lines.  
  
Hermione: I'm just trying to be accurate!  
  
Ron: Girls...Look! Here come a lot of storm troopers. Haggie and I will hold 'em off. Harry, take the Princess to the ship and wait for the old man.  
Harry: His name is Remus-won Kenobi!  
  
Ron: Whatever. He's gonna die. Let's go, Haggie.  
  
(Ron and Hagrid-macka run away fro the storm troopers, shouting insults while Harry crumples up on the floor and cries.)  
  
Harry: I said I wanted to know what happens as we go along!  
  
(Hermione tries to comfort him, and Salmakia joins Harry on the floor.)  
  
Salmakia: I forgot how cool Lupin was! How could I put him in such a small role! He's gonna die!  
  
(Harry and Salmakia cry for a several minutes before Hermione gets impatient.)  
  
Hermione: Will it help if I tell you that I kiss you in the next scene.  
  
Salmakia: Ew!  
  
Hermione: Not you...  
  
Harry: (Springing to his feet.) Really? Let's go.  
  
Salmakia: These people have no values...  
  
(Shot of Ron and Hagrid-macka running down a hallway.)  
  
Ron: Is that armor or paper plates?  
  
Hagrid: Yeh all hav' the brains of flobberworms!  
  
(The storm troopers look confused but then open fire.)  
  
Ron: They're not as stupid as they look! They've figured out it's just the two of us!  
  
(Ron turns, fires one shot and runs like hell. Cut to a shot of Harry and Hermione on a bridge.)  
  
Harry: (blasting the door closed) That should hold them.  
  
Hermione: How do we get across? Do you have some rope?Harry: I have a broomstick.  
  
Hermione: That works.  
  
(They mount the broomstick. Hermione kisses Harry.)  
  
Hermione: For luck. Feel better now?  
  
Harry: Yeah..................  
  
(Harry blushes and they fly to the other side.)  
  
Hermione: That was easy. Let's go.  
  
(Shot of Remus walking down a hallway. He is met by Darth Prongs.)  
  
Darth: The fates are reversed. When I left you, I was the learner. I am the master now!  
  
Remus: Only a master of evil, Darth!  
  
(They draw wandsabers. Remus bows. Darth Prongs does not.)  
  
Remus: Expelliarmus!  
  
(Darth Prongs goes flying against the wall as Remus catches his wandsaber.)  
  
Darth: So you win round one...  
  
(Shot of Ron and Hagrid-macka leaning against a wall waiting for Harry and Hermione.)  
  
Ron: What's taking them?  
  
(Harry and Hermione come running to meet them.)  
  
Ron: What took you?  
  
Harry: She...kissed...me...  
  
Ron: I don't want to know. The ships there and it seems ok. I hope the old man got the tractor beam out of commission.  
  
(Harry, Ron, Hermione and Hagrid-macka run to the ship and are joined by Ginny-3P0 and R-Colin. Harry sees Darth Prongs and Remus fighting.)  
  
Harry: Remus-won!  
  
Ron: Come on, kid!  
  
Darth: Avada Kedavdrum! (Is that the spell? Salmakia's memory is almost as bad as Neville's...and she's too lazy to look it up...)  
  
(Remus goes flying against the wall and disappears.)  
  
Harry: Nooooooo! (He starts shooting at storm troopers.)  
  
Ron: Come on, kid! We've got to get out of here! The old man wanted us to.  
  
(Harry runs on the ship and they take off. Shot of the inside of the ship. There are tribbles everywhere.)  
  
Ron: Haggie! I told you to get rid of these things!Hagrid-macka: They're cute...  
  
Ron: I want them all out now! I'm throwing them out the air-lock!   
  
(Insert twenty-minute sequence of Ron finding every last tribble and throwing it out of the ship.)  
  
Ron: Now we can make the jump to hyperspace...  
  
Hermione: Wait! What about the TIE fighters?  
  
Ron: They haven't followed us. The tribbles were enough.  
  
Harry: But I wanted to fire the gun!  
  
Ron: You know...I'm beginning to see why they think you character is whiney...  
  
Salmakia: LUKE SKYWALKER IS NOT WHINEY! HE'S A FREAKING GOD!  
  
Ron: Calm down, Princess Author Lady...um...here! (Ron shoves Neville, who is dressed up as a Gungan at Salmakia.)  
  
Salmakia: Aw! He's so cute!  
  
Neville: I thought I didn't come in until Episode I!  
  
Salmakia: That leaves us plenty of time to...get to know each other...  
  
Harry: Look! TIE fighters!  
  
Ron: I knew we should have made the jump to hyperspace...  
  
Harry: Do I get to fire the gun?  
  
Ron: Yeah, come on...  
  
(Shot of Harry and Ron climbing into the gun-bubble thingies.)  
  
Harry: How do I shoot?  
  
Ron: That's up to the special effects people. Just swivel around and shout things. TIE fighter at twelve o'clock. Get him kid!  
  
Harry: There you go with the kid thing again...Ron: Shoot the damn TIE fighter before you die!  
  
Harry: I thought I just had to swivel around and shout.  
  
Ron: I lied. Shoot!  
  
(Harry presses a button on his controls and the TIE fighter disintegrates. The rest of the fighters go in much the same manner. Shot of the cockpit with Ron, Harry, Hermione, Hagrid-macka, Ginny-3P0 and R-Colin.)  
  
Ron: We did it, kid!  
Harry: I'm not a freaking kid!  
  
Ron: You are to me. Not bad, Princess, huh?  
  
Hermione: They're tracking us.  
  
Ron: They can't track us. We're in hyperspace.  
  
Hermione: There's a chain of tribbles that they can follow all the way to the base.  
  
Ron: Sithspit!  
  
(End part I. Review or the tribbles will eat you!)  
  
  



	3. The End (Whew!)

a/n: Here it is! And I didn't make you wait a month. I made you wait FIVE MONTHS! But it's done. I'll try to get on to Ep. V soon, but no promises. Oh, and stay tuned at the end. There's a little something special for all of you for waiting.  
  
Disclaimer: No. I don't own any of this. I'm not worthy.  
  
(Shot of Yavin 4. The Rebel base looks suspiciously like The Three Broomsticks. Ron, Harry, Hermione and Hagrid-macka are met by General Flitwick.)  
  
Flitwick: Thank goodness you're safe. When we heard about Alderaan we feared the worst.  
  
Hermione: What happened to Alderaan?  
  
Flitwick: Salmakia forgot to put it in. Just play along.  
  
Hermione: Um...ok. We...uh....have no time for sorrows, General. We must utilize the information in the R-Colin unit to launch an attack on the Death-Eater Star.  
  
(Shot of the briefing room. General Flitwick stands at the front, pointing at a computer screen.)  
  
Flitwick: As you know, the Death-Eater Star is coming to get us. We have to attack it, because it could blow us up. We have analyzed the reports brought to us by Princess Hermione and we've found that it does in fact have a weakness. It's defenses are designed around a large scale defense. Small, one or two man fighters should be able to penetrate its defenses.  
  
Seamus Antillies: No offense sir, but what good are snub-fighters going to be against that?  
  
Flitwick: There is a small thermal exhaust port located just below the main port, connected to the main reactor. A direct hit should trigger a chair reaction that will blow it up.  
  
Seamus: Sort of a "don't push this button" sort of thing"  
Flitwick: (Ignoring Seamus) The approach will not be easy. You will be required to maneuver straight down this trench while avoiding enemy fighters. The target area is only about two meters wide. Also, the port is ray shielded, so you will have to use proton torpedoes.  
  
(Flitwick passes out and falls off the stack of books he was standing on from talking too much.)  
  
Seamus: That's impossible. Even for a computer.  
  
Harry: It's not impossible. I used to bulls-eye nifflers in my T-16 back home. They're not much bigger than two meters.  
  
Seamus: I have a feeling that you're destined for great things.  
  
Ron: Seamus, that's not in the script.  
  
Seamus: But you stole my best line. I wanted to say SOMETHING.  
  
Ron: Whatever.  
  
(Cut to a shot of Ron Solo and Hagrid-macka loading up the Millennium Anglia with boxes of money.)  
  
Harry: So, you've got your reward and you're just leaving then?  
  
Ron: That's right. Hey. Why don't you come with us. You're pretty good in a fight.  
  
Harry: You're turning your back on them. You know what they're about to go up against. They could use a good pilot like you.  
  
Ron: What good's a reward if you aren't around to use it.   
  
Harry: Well, take care of yourself, Ron. I guess that's what your best at.  
  
Ron: I'm impressed, and you keep pretending you hadn't read the script.  
  
Harry: I hadn't. I read it during that like three month hiatus Salmakia took from this story.  
  
Ron: Nice.  
  
Harry: Oh, sith! They're still watching us.  
  
Ron: Who cares. They've seen everything else.  
  
(Shot of the main hanger. Harry is wearing an orange flight suit and getting into an X-Wing. Salmakia is seen dragging Luke Skywalker, whom she acquired from Trisana during "In Space, No One Can Hear Your Phaser Explode" She still has disco tribble in her hair. That's a pink, sparkly ostrich feather scrunchie that took on a whole new meaning when Bob got a hold of it at Comedy Sportz during object tag.)  
  
Luke: Why are we here?  
  
Salmakia: I forgot that Harry won't be able to hit the target. You're going to have to guide him for me.  
  
Luke: I don't like doing that. It takes me really close to the dark side...  
  
Salmakia: So does shooting Force-lightening at me!  
  
(Luke looks sheepish. Salmakia drags him into a Skipray with her. Back to shot of Harry climbing up into the X-Wing.)  
  
Tech Person: This R-Colin 'droid of yours looks really beat up. You want a new one?  
  
Harry: Not on your life. That little 'droid and I have been through a lot together. You all right, R-Colin?  
  
(R-Colin whistles.)  
  
Harry: Good.  
  
(Shot of inside the Death-Eater Star)  
  
Darth: We're closing in on Yavin IV now.  
  
Grand Moff Malfoy: You're sure the homing beacon is aboard their ship? I'm taking an awful risk, Prongs. This had better work.  
  
(Salmakia's note: Is it Governor or Grand Moff? Salmakia can't remember what happens at this part but she doesn't want to go watch the movie again.)  
  
Darth: It'll work. We followed the tribbles.  
  
(Shot of Yavin IV sky. We can see the Death-Eater Star. Short take-off sequence of the X-Wings. Shot of outer space above the planet.)  
  
Oliver Wood: Red Leader to Red Group. All wings check in.  
  
Seamus: Red Two standing by.  
  
Alicia Spinnet: Red Six standing by.  
  
Angelina Johnson: Red Eight standing by.  
  
Katie Bell: Red Eleven standing by.  
  
Harry: Red Five standing by.  
  
Alicia: Hey. The Quidditch team is here...but where's Fred and George?  
  
Harry: Salmakia's got plans for them in the next one. Can't use them here.  
  
Alicia: Oh. Okay.  
  
Salmakia: Red 1138 standing by.  
  
Wood: Huh?  
  
Salmakia: I've got a Jedi with me. Humor me.  
  
Wood: You're turning up too much in this fic now.  
  
Salmakia: Hey. Watch what you say. You're only in because the guy who played you in the movie had a very sexy accent.  
  
(Luke, in the back of the skipray, looks dejected.)  
  
Salmakia: What? Am I not allowed to stalk more than one person at a time?Luke: I don't feel special anymore.  
  
Seamus: (Really overplayed) LOOK AT...  
  
Ron: ...THE SIZE OF THAT THING.  
  
Seamus: Where did you come from.  
  
Ron: Er...Red Anglia standing by.  
  
Seamus: This is the last time you steal my line, Solo! You're going down!  
  
(Seamus breaks out of formation and goes after the Anglia. We see them both jump to hyperspace)  
  
Wood: We don't have a full squadron now!  
(Salmakia maneuvers the Skipray into Seamus's position.)  
  
Wood: Fine...Ok. We're approaching it's outer defense. Put your deflector shields up, double front.  
  
(Shot of the X-Wing and One Skipray Squadron approaching the Death-Eater Star)  
  
Wood: Lock S-Foils in attack position.  
  
Angelina: What's an S-Foil?  
  
Wood: I don't know. I'm just the Quidditch Captain. Like I know how to fly an X-Wing.   
  
(Luke slaps his forehead. Salmakia grins.)  
  
Wood: Um...aim for the towers...try to take them out. Red Six and Red Eight follow me. We're going for the trench.  
  
(Alicia and Angelina break off and follow Wood. The Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff Quiddich teams swarm around in their X-Wing Squadrons. Cho Chang flies by Harry. She winks at him. He turns red.)  
  
Harry: Hey...  
  
Wood: Cut the chatter, Red Five.  
  
Harry: Sorry, Sir.  
  
(Shot of inside of Death-Eater Star.)  
  
Officer: Sir, their fighters are avoiding our turbolasers.  
  
Darth: We'll have to destroy them ship to ship. Get the crews to their fighters.  
  
(Back out to the battle. TIE fighters full of Slytherins come screeching out.)  
  
Angelina: Enemy fighters at four O'clock!  
  
Wood: Take evasive action!  
  
(More pointless flying around. Salmakia never paid attention in this scene. Cut to Harry flying down the trench flanked by Alicia and Seamus, who is obviously back from chasing Ron in the Anglia.)  
  
Harry: Go in full throttle. That'll keep 'em off our tails.  
Seamus: At that speed, Harry, will you be able to pull out in time?  
  
Alicia: Ewww!Seamus: What?  
  
Alicia: Ewww!  
Seamus: Oh! Ewww!Harry: Ew?  
  
Seamus: Nevermind...  
  
Harry: Um...you worry about those fighters. I'll worry about the tower. Wait...I get it now! Ewww!  
  
(Salmakia would like to note here that she is a dirty little sex monkey.)  
  
(Darth Prongs' fighter comes into view.)  
  
Darth: Stay in attack formation.  
  
Harry: Enemy fighters at three and nine!  
  
(Prongs blasts Alicia out of the sky and damages Seamus' fighter.)  
Seamus: I'm hit. I can't stay with you.  
  
Harry: Get out of there, Seamus. You can't do anymore good back there.  
Seamus: Sorry.  
  
(Shot of inside of Death-Eater Star.)Aide: Sir, we've analyzed their attack and there is some danger. Should we have your ship standing by?  
  
Malfoy: Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances!  
  
(Back to the battle)  
  
Darth: I'm on the leader.  
  
Remus: Use the Force, Harry.  
  
Harry: God?  
  
Remus: Not quite...  
  
Harry: Um...  
  
Remus: I'll set up the spell. Don't worry.  
  
Salmakia: Hey, God. Don't worry. I've got a Jedi.  
  
Remus: Ok. Coffee break with Shakespeare and Merlin then...  
  
(Harry keeps flying down the trench towards the exhaust port but Luke had control of his mind. Salmakia is flying the skipray rather well. Darth Prongs sets up his shot to blow Harry out of the sky.)  
  
Darth: The Force is strong with this one.  
  
(Darth Prongs' fighter takes a hit.)  
Darth: What?  
  
Ron: Yeehaw!  
  
Harry: Ron?  
  
Ron: That's right, kid. Now let's blow this joint and go home.  
  
(Harry fires. Because Luke is controlling the X-Wing it goes right in.)  
  
Ron: Great shot kid, that was one in a million!  
  
(All the fighters fly away. Darth Prongs' fighter spirals away. Shot of the hangar in the Rebel Base.)  
  
Harry: Ron!  
  
Ron: Harry!  
  
Ginny-3P0: R-Colin!  
  
(R-Colin is being unloaded from the X-Wing)  
  
Harry: Oh no!  
  
Hermione: Hey. You're back! I knew there was more to you than money.  
  
(Ron, Harry and Hermione go walking off. Ginny-3P0 is left to fret about R-Colin.)  
  
Ginny-3P0: You're never going to let my life get normal, are you?  
  
(Insert completely pointless awards ceremony with lots of funky music and goofy smiling people. The credits start to roll and then they stop abruptly)  
  
Salmakia: Hey, folks! Miss Alderaan being blown up? Well, here's your chance to see it!  
  
(Shot of the inside of the Death-Eater Star. Hermione has been brought to Grand Moff Malfoy.)  
  
Hermione: Governor Malfoy. I should have expected to find you holding Prongs' leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought aboard.  
  
Malfoy: Charming, to the last. You don't know how hard I found it to sign the order to terminate your life.  
  
Hermione: I'm surprised you had the courage to do it yourself.  
  
Malfoy: I grow tired of asking, so this will be the last time. Where is the Rebel base.  
Hermione: Um...  
  
Malfoy: We're going to blow up your home planet of Alderaan.  
Hermione: Dantooine. They're on Dantooine.  
  
Malfoy: Fire when ready.  
  
Hermione: What?  
  
Malfoy: You're far too trusting. Dantooine is to far out to make an effective demonstration.   
  
(Alderaan blows up.)Malfoy: Take her away!  
  
(Credits start to roll again, but they stop AGAIN.)  
  
Harry: Hey, everyone! Welcome to the Harry-In-The-Desert-Karaoke-Dance-Party!  
  
(Everyone groans.)  
  
Harry: Fine! The rest of you get up here and sing!  
  
(Ginny-3P0 steps forward.)  
Ginny-3P0: Master Harry, if I may?  
  
Harry: Sure Ginny-3P0.  
  
Ginny-3P0: (Tapping the mic and looking nervous) Um... this is just a little something dedicated to...er...someone special. (She starts singing, badly, I might add) You're just too good to be true. Can't take my photoreceptors off of you. You'd be like the maker to touch. Just want to be with you so much...you're just-  
  
(Ron grabs the mic from Ginny-3P0.)  
  
Ron: That's in, goldenrod. My turn! (Ron sings one note and the karaoke machine shuts off.) What?  
  
Harry: It's set to keep pain to a minimum...  
  
Ron: Grr.  
  
(Hagrid-Macka takes the mic.)  
  
Hagrid-Macka: Ah like big butts and Ah canno' lie. And all yeh other brothers can' deny. When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thin' in yer face yeh get...  
  
Harry: Er...I think that's enough Haggie...  
  
(R-Colin takes the mic and goes through a rendition of the Meco Star Wars theme. Everyone claps.)  
  
Harry: And that's all the pain I think we need to put these folks through.  
  
FIN Episode IV   
  
(Review for me? Yes. Yes...or I tricribble you.) 


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